


Better to have loved and lost

by bioplast_hero



Category: Star Trek: The Next Generation
Genre: F/M, Fluff and Angst, M/M, secret feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-26
Updated: 2018-11-26
Packaged: 2019-08-29 19:18:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,790
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16750057
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bioplast_hero/pseuds/bioplast_hero





	Better to have loved and lost

"Geordi, would you like to go on a backpacking trip with me?"

 

"Backpacking, Data? Sure, how serious we talking?"

"I am completely serious--" Data began before truly comprehending the question. Of course his friend did not doubt his sincerity, and instead hoped to know how strenuous the activity would be. "--oh, I see. I am interested in hiking the rim of the crater lake on Casperat III. The perimeter is less than a week's journey, but I suggest one week. It would be... leisurely," Data mused, "as I believe that what I am aiming for is a vacation."

La Forge smiled, "I like the sound of that--though I've never heard that from you. Why the Casperats?"

"We'll be passing quite near the system two weeks from now," Data continued his explanation, trailing La Forge as he carried on his duties in main engineering. "The landscape is considered quite beautiful. Most visitors come to see the two moons in alignment, which they will not be at this time, but that has the benefit that we are not likely to encounter many travelers. My understanding is that solitude in nature is one of the rewards of backpacking." 

Data paused, realizing this was not quite what he wanted to convey. He tried again. 

"I have been wanting to go on a trip of this kind for some time. I also hoped it would be a way for me to spend some time with you."

Geordi felt his stomach flip. Data's sincerity often caught his emotions off guard, and this was no exception. He looked up at Data and barely managed to conceal a flustered smile. 

"Sure, Data. Of course. Let's do it."

 

\--

 

La Forge lay in bed restless. He found himself rehashing his conversation with Data from two months ago, that night when Data called him after his first date with Rhea. He had been asleep, awakened by the chirp of his comm badge and his friend's apologetic but urgent entreaty. Data gave every sign that night of rushing nervously and headlong into a passionate relationship, and although La Forge encouraged patience and some measure of restraint he was, more than anything else, truly happy for Data. 

_“Would it be inappropriate to take her flowers?”_

_“No—”_

_“Right now?”_

_“No, not right now. Maybe tomorrow. At breakfast.”_

_“Ah. Excellent suggestion. May I ask—?”_

_“Go ahead, Data.”_

_Data proceeded to bombard La Forge with a series of questions and observations about dating and interpersonal relationships. Some of them were charmingly naive, some insightful and a few quite odd coming from a person whom La Forge had always considered one of the most intelligent and mature individuals he knew._

_After about an hour, it grew to be too much. “Data? “That’s enough. Can we continue this conversation tomorrow?”_

_“But Geordi—”_

_“No, Data. Really, that’s enough. I understand how you’re feeling, but you can’t do everything in one night. You just have to take things slow. Don’t scare the poor woman. You have all the time in the world."         (Excerpt from Jeffrey Lang, “Immortal Coil”)_

Data's feelings for McAdams were delightful to witness. His uncertainty was easily as touching as it was bizarre. All the same, it all made La Forge wistful for a time when he used to spend a lot more time thinking about Data. 

But that was back then, not now. It wasn't meant to be that way, La Forge mused, or the pieces might have fallen into place long ago. 

As he drifted off to sleep, he allowed himself to dream. 

 

\--

 

After spending the first night on Casperat III, La Forge and Data started out on their first day on the trail. It was sunny and mild, warm enough for shorts and mid-sleeves. Civilian clothes had felt odd to La Forge for the first few hours the day before, as they set out on the shuttlecraft. But by the time they made their way on that first afternoon from the shuttle to the crater's rim to make camp for the night, it felt natural. Indeed, he felt stronger, younger, as though the weight of years were lifting off of him with every step. 

He suspected the feeling had something to do with his past. La Forge had been a bit of an outdoorsman as a young adult, something all but forgotten once he left the academy and started his career in Starfleet. He had almost forgotten how good it felt--not just to be outside, but to live simply on what you had, no more and no less. It was invigorating. 

They had talked a great deal, though silence felt comfortable as well these days. Data had grown out of the need to talk incessantly. 

Conversation had turned to commenting on recently transferred science and engineering officers. Lieutenant Savoy had been challenging his nerves for several weeks. Many of the officers liked her, and there was no shortage of men who found her extremely attractive, but La Forge felt she was a better fit for a command position than his collaborative engineering team. La Forge considered his words carefully; he felt an obligation to regard even a difficult crew member with respect. 

 "Let's just say I find her challenging... She's bent on proving herself, and it's rocking the boat in engineering. She's competitive. Surely," La Forge suddenly teased, "you noticed." 

"Was she competing with me and I failed to notice?"

"Oh, not that."

Puzzled now, "What makes you suggest that Lieutenant Savoy would have caught my attention?"

"I think you have a thing for beautiful, strong, and competitive women," La Forge teased. 

Data knew this was humor, but he felt serious. He slowed his pace a moment and quickly realized this was emotion washing over him. 

He tried to keep his tone level. "I don't think so, Geordi."

La Forge looked over at his friend's face and knew he'd hit a nerve. 

"Sorry, I was only teasing—"

"—I know, Geordi, of course. I'm not upset with you. It's just... I think you're mistaken." Data's sour reaction surprised even himself. He felt... misunderstood. For some reason this mattered more right now than it usually seemed to. He quickly calculated how to proceed from here, calling up the simplest, lightest objections first. "I must point out that Tasha was essentially intoxicated at the time."

La Forge wasn't going to let that pass. "Well it wasn't random, Data! Is that what you think?"

Hm, wrong choice, Data thought. This was an emotional minefield, apparently, for them both. But why? He felt touched at how quickly La Forge had burst to his defense, but this wasn't the source of his angst at all. 

"No, no, it's not that. Truly. But what suggests she was my type, when she selected me? I had not pursued her romantically."

La Forge hiked on beside him without any reply. Data had at one time suspected that La Forge had pursued a relationship with Tasha, but he had no idea if this was the case. Perhaps discussing Tasha was complicating their conversation. 

"And of course," Data continued, "Rhea had unique reasons for her initial attachment to me, although I don't doubt that it quickly went beyond mentorship between a newly born android and a more experienced one."

"Mentorship... I hadn't thought of that."

They walked on, the crunch of rocks beneath their feet standing in for words that eluded them both. Data found his words first. 

"I know you won't misunderstand this, Geordi: I loved Rhea deeply. I didn't, however, initiate that relationship. She sought me out, which I do not take for granted. It is unlikely that it ever would have occurred to me to do so, or not for some time."

"I see your point. I retract my joke," La Forge smiled and patted Data on the back, trying to lighten the mood of their conversation, but it was a somewhat forced smile. 

Data had come here to talk to Geordi, and here they were, struggling with how it felt to open up these memories and explore their implications. La Forge was clearly trying to maneuver them back into more comfortable territory, probably for Data's sake more than anything. Data concluded that he was going to have to summon his courage and show Geordi he could handle whatever they uncovered. 

"I think you have one thing right, Geordi. We were perfectly matched, in each instance, at that particular time. The evidence suggests that both women sought something—perhaps a similar thing—in who I was at the time. Tasha had suffered in ways that disconnected her emotionally. Rhea had no connections in this world at all. I was the android outsider, more or less, who sought human companionship, however improbable. For all their differences, they do have this in common," Data mused. "As I told you at the time, it was feasible that my social vulnerability was attractive to Rhea. In fact, at one point she told me as much."

"She did what?"

"We were in the DIT lab, discussing my concern that I may have seen a conspiracy when there was none. She said to me, 'you have an astonishing lack of self-confidence for someone who is, in fact, smarter, braver and, in most every conceivable way, better than any other man I’ve ever met, artificial or not.'" 

La Forge was smiling as Data recounted every word of her generous compliment. And boy, was she spot on. She was so good for Data, so right for him; why did she have to leave like she did?

"And she concluded that I was in peril, too, because she found that 'amazingly attractive.' While you have suggested that I may have a type, I believe we've truly only identified aspects of her type."

La Forge was shaking his head with a smile, looking down the trail ahead. 

"Geordi?"

"I almost can't believe how well she understood you in 48 hours. And that was just the beginning, I know. But she has the advantage of being an android. It took me years to see everything that she saw, but I suppose I have to give myself the credit that I'm, you know, only human. And that I did come to understand with time."

"Geordi, if you are... berating yourself for your capabilities as my friend, I assure you—"

"—It's ok, Data. Hey, you're not the only one with the tendency to hold yourself to an impossible standard. We have that in common."

They stood a moment, eyes locked, and smiled. 

"I see your point."

La Forge looked around. "Hey, how about some lunch? There may be an outcropping just ahead."

"Excellent idea."

 

\--

 

They made camp at dusk, and La Forge prepared a meal on a small cook set. 

"Let's make a campfire, Data. We passed some wood back up the trail a little ways."

"Are you cold, Geordi?"

"No, no, it's just... the experience. The fire, the darkness around, the stars. It's good for conversation. I guess I could just go to sleep, but I'm wide awake still."

"Good idea. I will gather some wood."

"I'll help, be right there." Data walked back up the trail. La Forge shoveled his food, and followed Data a few minutes later. Soon he saw Data in the low light, carrying an impossible armful of long tree limbs, enough wood to prepare for winter. La Forge burst out laughing. 

"I guess you wouldn't think to cut it first," he gasped with laughter, "when you can carry whole trees like chopsticks!"

Data froze, and then laughed as well. He usually only broke his carefully studied impersonation of human speed and strength when his true abilities were necessary to avert disaster. Gathering wood wasn't something he had ever seen done, honestly, and the results were probably just as hilarious as La Forge thought. 

Recovering himself, La Forge straightened his clothes unconsciously. "I suppose I wouldn't be much help here. We can cut it back at camp. I'll get some... kindling," he turned off the trail, suppressing another bout of laughter. 

Geordi used a handheld laser to slice the limbs. They were well seasoned from dry weather. He carefully arranged the kindling and some wood together in a depression some prior traveler had dug in the loose soil for the purpose. Data moved some small (for him) stones into position around the emerging fire pit. 

La Forge always enjoyed working with his hands, and Data consistently enjoyed watching him work. This was no exception. The android sat in silence one meter away while La Forge knelt, coaxing the small fire to life. The firelight on his face, the orange glow dancing amidst the blue of his optical implants, the way his lips pursed to blow on the base of the flames--Data absorbed it all. He had learned a powerful lesson recently in appreciating the present moment. He felt the emotional response ripple through his body just as he put a word to that feeling: longing. 

 

Once the fire was going strong, La Forge reached for a lightweight black sweater and pulled it over his head. He sat down on the ground, propped against a smooth rock, and extended his legs to where his soles just touched the fire pit stones. He smiled with satisfaction.

"This was a great idea, Data. Thank you for inviting me along."

"My pleasure, Geordi."

After a few beats of silence, La Forge decided now was a good time to ask. 

"Do you want to tell me about Rhea?"

Data sighed. "I do. But I wonder where to start."

La Forge settled in against that rock, reclining a bit more, all the while looking straight at Data with a relaxed smile. Data smiled back. Geordi seemed to have communicated 'take your time, I'm not going anywhere' without a word. 

There was a time when Data had no idea what any of these things meant, but since installing the emotion chip Data had come to realize that La Forge was something of a master at non-verbal communication, and Data had finally reached the stage in his development where he could crack this incredibly nuanced code. 

Forty-seven seconds later, an eternity for an android, he decided what he wanted to say. 

"Rhea told me a lot about her mother. She referenced family often, more than almost any human I have ever met, and truly I am not sure why she did this. She commented several times on what her mother would think of me. 

"It was entirely fiction, of course. Perhaps because my own mother had died she chose this as a way to relate to me, but if it began for that reason it soon became something more. I believe she used this fiction as a subtle way to tell me who she was. To tell me what mattered to her, what motivated her. 

"Once I knew the truth, I somehow knew we were not done playing this game. It did not occur to me that there was any other consideration--I just continued to play along. I typically find social banter confusing, less so now perhaps, but this was different. This rapport, it was like a secret language all our own. 

"Evacuating Flint's station under heavy fire, I had to stay behind on the bridge for approximately two minutes to ensure my reprogramming the station's defense systems would be ready to come to our aid. I told Rhea I would rendezvous with them at the departure bay in four minutes' time, but she would not leave without me. Without thinking, I told her, 'I will not fail to make our appointment. I do not make promises I have no intention of keeping. Your mother would have liked that about me.' I will always remember the look of knowing on her face. 

"It was just a harmless indulgence, you might think. But it was more than that. To drop the narrative, to decide it did not have any meaning, would have been to erase the time that we had spent together, to jettison everything I had learned about her. Everything she had learned about herself in those first weeks of being alive. The fiction communicated that I knew what it had meant to her, that I forgave the deception, that I could accept it all at once. I think in that situation, only that lie could have been so sincere.

Geordi was engrossed. "That's incredible, Data."

"Yes, I know. I imagine that story could seem out of place, considering everything I might say about falling in love, but it is one of the greatest lessons I learned."

"I'm sure there were others."

"Many. One more in particular. I had been suffering with a profound loss of orientation since my mother's death. I could not stop thinking of the fact that I would outlive everyone I had ever known, everything I had ever loved. I was inconsolable about this for two weeks, and I was right in the grip of that particular emotion when Rhea came into my life. And by the time it was over, I had an epiphany about what it all meant."

For an imperceptible second, Data allowed himself to relive the memory of Rhea playing in the light. 

_The waving tendrils of plasma parted like a gauze curtain and there, in the center of the fountain, stood Rhea. Her flesh, the disguise that had made her appear so human, was gone now, stripped away, leaving behind only the unblemished silver sheath that was her true skin, reflecting every spark of energy. She had just finished tearing away another strip of hull plating and pushing it away from the ship. Then, Rhea paused in her labor and held out her hand so that the coruscating globules of energy could stream up through her fingers like bubbles in champagne. Her skin reflected and refracted the light so it looked as if a liquid rainbow danced over her hand._

_And for Data, time seemed to slow down, to elongate and narrow down so that he was focused on only that single moment, that single image. And in that timeless instant, Data sensed the sum of the events of the past several days and found that he understood why Captain Picard had insisted he not deactivate his emotion chip. It is a spectrum, he realized._

_Every moment counts._

"What epiphany?" Geordi asked. 

"The meaning of life," Data said, with a self-aware laugh. He was sure that this sounded absurd. "In all seriousness, I do not know what else to call it. I had the most profound experience of seeing her cherish the present moment--a most unpredictable moment, in fact. This from an android like myself, a sentient being built to outlast all but the stars of this galaxy." Data described the moment for Geordi, aware of the glint in his own eyes. La Forge seemed to hold his breath in awe. He understood. 

"Rhea viewed each moment with a kind of absorption, even sensuality, that took nothing for granted. She perceived, with childlike wonder, that each moment could never be like this again."

"That's beautiful."

"I will cherish that knowledge my whole life."

La Forge regarded his friend slowly, thoughtfully. Something tickled at the edge of his awareness, a realization he wasn't fully ready to have. He had become so comfortable with his decision to lay his feelings to rest, convincing himself that the moment had passed long ago. That those misguided rumblings of desire had matured into exactly what it should have: a loyal friendship, nothing more. More than anything, he had convinced himself that it was better this way. 

But alone together here, feeling the tug of his emotions, this fiction he had created was starting to come apart. He had given up on the only love he ever truly wanted. In fact, he had never even found the courage to give it a try. And now his android friend was giving him an unexpected lesson in carpe diem. The irony was not lost on him. 

"Geordi?"

"Hm?"

"If I am not mistaken, you were thinking about someone you lost."

"Whoa, Data," Geordi chuckled a bit nervously, "I'm seriously not used to seeing your face and then hearing Counselor Troi speak instead." He breathed. "You might have a future in a very different vocation."

"I take that as a compliment, Geordi. I am... learning," Data said gently. "But you are changing the subject. I will drop it if you prefer. It is just that I wish to know what you are thinking."

La Forge was at a loss for words, and several minutes passed. Data could, when given cause, be patient to a fault. He had also learned to be persistent with Geordi in particular, and no longer gave up as quickly as he once did.

Inhaling deeply, La Forge struggled for words. "I'm not good at this, Data. But you know that," he smiled, relaxing a bit. "I was remembering a time that I let the moment pass me by. I'm realizing, perhaps for the first time, that I regret it." 

Data recalled his earlier guess about Geordi and Tasha. It was plausible that she died before he found the courage to pursue that relationship. Or he could be completely mistaken. He thought it best to learn if that was a minefield or not. 

"I feared earlier that speaking of Tasha was unpleasant for you, in a way I would not have anticipated. I only want to ask, should I avoid that topic?"

Relieved to see a way out, Geordi perked up. 

"No, Data. I did find her attractive, it is true, and I miss her friendship still. But she didn't break my heart, I assure you. It wasn't like that. In fact, I've always wanted to know more about you two."

"I have been careful not to speak of our time together because Tasha was quite clear in her request that I never speak of it again. To think that it would become public record," Data mused, "in an influential court case on the rights of artificial life forms, I can only conclude that would have mortified her."

"Slavery of a race of AI would have mortified her. I suspect that in her way she would have been honored to do her part, embarrassment be damned."

Data smiled. "I never considered that before. I believe you are right." 

"You're certainly not one to kiss and tell."

Data cocked his head in that way he used to do, locating some obscure file on the idiom, but unlike old times he kept the readout to himself. He nodded that he understood. 

La Forge pressed on. 

"At the same time, I think that even she would understand if you told a trusted friend. Let alone after nine years."

"I suppose there is no harm in that," Data reflected. He realized he was enthusiastic to share something of this event. All in all it was one of life's more satisfying experiences, and his lack of emotion at the time made it uniquely fascinating to look back and consider that scene. He thought on the various interesting aspects and latched on to one in particular. 

"The most curious thing to me is how I reacted when she fell asleep. I felt similarly baffled two months ago when I momentarily found Rhea asleep in the DIT lab. The pull between wanting to observe her asleep, and the instinct that it would be improper to do so, makes me grateful that these days I have a dream program I can enable in situations where being asleep is the only proper thing to do. 

"We made love for forty-seven minutes. I was overdue reporting back to the Bridge following my orders to locate her. I was calculating the most decent way to extract myself and get to my clothes. So I was caught completely unawares when I realized that she had fallen asleep in my arms. I would have woken her if I moved, and I had no idea what to do," Data chuckled to himself, and La Forge laughed as well. The honest absurdity of his novel experience was registering as humorous ten years later. 

"I was certainly going to be preoccupied with my perceptions of my first sexual experience for countless hours, even days, and yet in that moment I had--an absurd impulse to flee!"

Their laughter swelled, and soon La Forge was rolling on the ground laughing while Data struggled to control his simulated breath. The emotion chip caused the most inexplicable physiological reactions at times--runaway laughter being one of them. Add to this that Data had often heard the expression 'rolling on the floor laughing' but the literal aspect had escaped him until now. Intriguing, he thought. Pleasure coursed through him as the laughter racked his own frame. The topic wasn't even extremely funny, he was fairly sure, but he found that Geordi's laughter made him laugh harder still. He noticed his eyes welling with moisture, his body exhausted from the spasms he could not control, and he enjoyed all three minutes twelve seconds of it. 

"Ah," Data tried to catch his breath to finish the story, and did so only with great difficulty. "Ah, well. Looking back now, it was nonsensical. I was like a frightened animal with my arm caught in a trap, and Tasha had become, in a way, the trap! I was not even capable of such emotional impulses, but there they were. I concluded after the fact that this was when the xenovirus began to take effect because this was when I ceased making sense to myself."

La Forge had mostly composed himself by this time. He too had been wiping tears of laughter from his eyes. Suddenly he started, "Data, wait, you weren't intoxicated from the beginning? I had figured..."

"Ah, no, Geordi. I was quite myself when I entered her quarters. She was intoxicated, but I did not contract the virus until after I came into physical contact with her," Data explained. "When I entered, she walked out of the bedroom wearing a provocative garment, and her hair and skin were damp indicating she had been in the bath just before I arrived. She told me about her homeworld, the way she had learned to protect herself. I did not see where this subject was leading, but she then told me that she wanted gentleness, tenderness, and love. 

"She asked if I was capable of... assisting her in this manner. I gave her a frank assessment of my physiology, and my available programming in multiple techniques of human pleasuring," Data made a sheepish expression. He felt his embarrassment even if it didn't show in a flush. "She appeared to be satisfied with my answer and guided me to her bed.

"I I was quite self-aware, functioning well within normal parameters, for that hour at least." Data's voice grew more tentative. "Following the incident, I considered at length whether my actions would be considered taking advantage of her. I decided after considerable review of the facts that it was neither right nor wrong. My innocence was tantamount to an intoxicated state. And truly, I believe that her embarrassment regarding the incident had little to do with her enjoyment of it. She was very... pleased... in the moment."

"I am sure that she felt in no way harmed, Data. It didn't fit her identity, she couldn't allow it to be anything else. I bet she cherished it, privately."

"I have had my doubts, but I usually decide that is right."

 

La Forge drank some water, and Data added two logs to their fire. He wanted to hear about Geordi this time. 

"Geordi, what was your first experience in an intimate relationship?"

"Ah, well, if you want to hear some really old history--"

"--Yes, I do."

La Forge smiled. "Alright, I will go there, which I hope you understand is a testament to my faith in you. I was," La Forge winced, "a rather awkward young man, to put it mildly."

"Are you under the impression that I would not be able to relate to that? I remind you, Geordi, that I have had basic emotions for less than two years. I have, until very recently, been among the most socially awkward adults in your acquaintance, I have no doubt."

La Forge tried to protest, but Data wouldn't allow it.

"You have shown me compassion and patience for ten years as I struggled, making so little progress, but you are very hard on the version of yourself that you see from ten or twenty years ago. Why?"

"Hm. You're right, of course. I should be keeping a list of the ways we decide that we are so alike," he offered in good humor. Data went ahead and began just such a mental list. 

La Forge sighed. "Amy Tanner."

Data smiled, and waited for Geordi to elaborate. 

"I was in the Academy. Even then I was more adept at recalibrating impulse engines than I was at making friends. Amy was was smart, pretty, and kind. She did a lot of volunteer work. She was serious about Starfleet, but she wasn't the no-nonsense career type that intimidated the hell out of me. Still it took me a month to get up the nerve to say more that 'hi.'

"Eventually I managed to invite her to a play. I couldn't sleep, and I didn't eat properly for days. I worried over every detail. Come to think of it," La Forge smiled, "I was worrying over most of the same questions that you asked me the night you called about Rhea. With an added dose of adolescent vanity. And, if I'm being honest, pure terror." 

Data smiled in acknowledgment, as if to say he understood those last two elements of the equation, as well. 

"Anyway, the first date was a disaster."

"A disaster?"

"And it didn't bode well for the rest of the affair. You see, I was early to meet her so she wasn't ready, and her roommates gave me one hell of a time while I tried to keep my cool. They picked at everything, in that cool, passive-aggressive way that adolescents have mastered. Take the flowers, for instance: by the time Amy appeared and I hand her these tulips I had brought, she told me she liked them but I was pretty sure I wished I'd never brought them. Just about ten things like that.

"My nerves got worse, I talked too little when I should have had something to say, and far too much when I shouldn't. I tripped on the carpet finding our seats and took a pretty hard fall, pretending, of course, I was fine. By the end of the show, she had no idea how to interact with me. By the time I dropped her off, I had started apologizing and I certainly didn't know when to stop."

La Forge cringed, and sighed with a self-deprecating smile. 

"So, disaster."

"Is that where the story ends?"

La Forge was uncomfortable. "Are you sure you want to hear about this?"

"Why would I not, Geordi? I am your friend."

Geordi sighed tremendously. This was going to hurt.

"After that date, she actually went out of her way to talk to me. She seemed to be pretty taken with me, much to my surprise. I was... really surprised. We had lunch a few times, and then dinner a few time. I still remember how she told me she wanted to show me something and took my hand. She walked me down to the gardens below the Cochrane memorial, and we waited until a meteor shower began. Right in the middle of the show, she kissed me.

"It went on just long enough for me to make a really bad decision," La Forge spoke more quietly now, resigned to see this story through. "We were both virgins. I am pretty sure she thought I would make the next move if given the opportunity, and she created several. We would kiss, but it never heated up. I'm ashamed to admit I knew what she was going for, but even though I liked her, I didn't want to go there. It didn't feel right. I also didn't know what else to do about it, so I did nothing. 

"Eventually she confronted me about it. She asked me why I didn't want her. I said sure I did. She started to cry, and I felt utterly helpless. I said she was beautiful, smart, kind, that I respected her, that I wanted to make her happy. She wasn't sobbing, just a couple of tears falling, and falling again when she wiped those away. 

"I started kissing her, desperate to fix whatever I had broken. I think something in me snapped. What I wanted did not matter--I was responsible for getting us here, I should finish what I started. I kissed her mouth harder, nibbled down her neck. I remember she moaned, and wiped her eyes, and helped me take off my shirt. It was working, everything was going to be alright, just don't stop what you're doing, La Forge. You owe it to her.

"I wish I had some 'pleasure programming' to take over from there," La Forge laughed with a bitterness Data had not seen in him before, "but instead I had to do what most young men do and piece together what she might like. I had heard plenty of what Academy guys said about what girls wanted from a boyfriend. I was clumsy for sure, but she seemed to enjoy herself..." La Forge frowned. 

Data was beyond puzzled. 

"I got better at pretending, but I started to resent her, long before I understood that I felt I was betraying myself. I picked little fights with her until she finally told me I wasn't being a very good boyfriend. I used that to end it. I think we were both relieved."

Sparks from the fire danced in the silence between them. Data watched La Forge's face intently, La Forge's eyes remained locked on the flames. 

Data stood in one graceful movement and strode to sit by La Forge on the other side of the fire. For a couple of milliseconds he didn't know what gesture would be more reassuring than confusing. Data settled for gripping his left hand, which rested on his thigh. 

La Forge was again captivated by Data's sincerity. At the touch of Data's hand, La Forge released his breath with a kind of gasp of sadness and gratitude both. 

"I am sorry, Geordi--"

"--Don't apologize, Data. It's probably good for me to get this out. I shouldn't be so bent out of shape after this long. I've been running from a part of myself for twenty years."

"And what part is that?" Data released La Forge's hand, thinking it long enough, and settled into his seat beside his friend. 

La Forge grasped for the words. 

"The part of me that I invented to protect something more vulnerable. The part of me that was so eager to fulfill everyone else's expectations that I would betray my true feelings," La Forge trailed off. He was pretty sure he was running out of ways to answer Data without answering him. Dammit, he wants me to be open with him. Would it kill me to just say it? 

Data wanted to point out that La Forge was speaking in riddles, but he was becoming aware that this was intentional. He had already said quite a bit more than was his usual habit, had peeled back layers with great difficulty, but this vulnerable thing that remained at the center of his pain was fighting to remain hidden at all costs. 

"Geordi, it is as though you believe I would think less of you if I know the truth about which you are referring. I must at least try to tell you that nothing you can say will make me lose faith in you. It is inconceivable."

La Forge softened his face, the frown dissolved. He remained silent for a moment, gathering his thoughts, but he understood that Data meant every word. 

"Back at the Academy I concluded that something was very wrong with me when touching that woman left me empty. After that I was always nervous around women, but I pursued more relationships with women over time. Sometimes they went... well for a while. I could almost believe that first time had been some kind of fluke. It wasn't until I made friends on the Enterprise that I first admitted to myself that I wanted a man's company more than a woman's."

Data took advantage of the speed of his mental processing. He didn't want to appear to hesitate even a moment. Homosexuality was not particularly taboo in the 24th century within the Federation generally nor within humans from Earth specifically; there were a handful of happy same-sex couples on board the Enterprise. The crew were entitled to their private business, provided that they fulfilled their duties, and a complement of a thousand individuals made for a more diverse 'dating pool' of different sexual inclinations than on a typical fleet ship. Data could not think of a convincing reason that Geordi would feel so ashamed of his true sexuality. And if he had come to terms with this on the Enterprise, how could it still be such a painful secret? 

Not even a second had passed before Data spoke up. 

"You feel this is... wrong, Geordi? Forgive my ignorance, but is the problem that you fear rejection from others, or that you cannot accept this aspect of yourself for personal reasons?"

Leave it to Data to see it all so rationally. 

Before La Forge could form a reply, Data was speaking again. 

"I have never known you to pursue men romantically during our years together on the Enterprise-D. Perhaps I have overlooked something, but I do not believe that is the case. And yet, if you did have a male partner, or if you confided in me an interest you had in dating a man, I am sure I would think of you no differently. I suppose that because I have no gender, strictly speaking, that I am somewhat neutral on the topic," Data mused, "but I cannot believe for one millisecond that any of your friends would fail to accept the truth."

"Ten years ago, I wasn't so sure of that."

"And since then?"

La Forge stared at his boots. "If I ever had the right opportunity, I must have missed it."

Data replayed Geordi's precise words from their earlier conversation: 'I was remembering a time that I let the moment pass me by. I'm realizing, perhaps for the first time, that I regret it.' Instinctually, he once again reached for Geordi's hand. Data's fingertips gripped his palm when he gave a gentle squeeze. He was pleased to find Geordi gripping back. 

"I believe that, were our roles reversed, you would tell me that it is not too late."

Several minutes of silence passed between them. 

"Maybe you're right," La Forge breathed, smiling to himself. 

The fire was dying down, and La Forge yawned twice in under five minutes. All signs indicated that it was time for the human to get some sleep. Data could not afford to keep him awake all night, however engrossed he might be. 

"Time to get to sleep?"

"I think so, Data. Hey," he added, "I appreciate being here with you, and getting to talk. It's not always easy but I think I'll feel better in the morning. Thank you for," he shrugged, "your patience with me."

"My pleasure." 

 

\--

 

"Data! Are--are you telling me that you had intimate feel--!"

 

Geordi lost his footing and started to slip down the steep trail in Data's direction. Data steadied his own footing and caught La Forge by his upper arms. Without effort he used his own body to check his friend's fall, settling his feet back on the trail. After La Forge had his feet again, he stood there for a moment, pressed against Data, their faces almost touching. Geordi swallowed hard. 

"Be careful," Data admonished gently. 

"Let's... talk when we get to the bottom."

"Wise plan."

La Forge's emotions were rioting. Data reached the bottom a few steps ahead and kept an eye on his friend's decent. La Forge barely set foot on level ground before he hurled the rest of his thought in Data's direction. 

"Data, you basically just told me you were in love with me. Five years ago. Why on Earth," La Forge panted, "did you not tell me?"

Sincerity was Data's only recourse. 

"I was convinced that I would fail to be an adequate romantic partner for you."

La Forge had fire in his eyes. "I think you miscalculated."

This time it was La Forge who acted on instinct--in two steps he would have him in his arms. He closed the distance, but Data was already moving to intercept. When their lips met, everything else fell away.

Geordi pulled him tighter, fingers tangled in the hair at Data's neck. Data's hands had found Geordi's waist, his upper arm, now his cheek. The force of Geordi's desire hit Data at his core, echoing his own need. As they kissed, hearts racing, Geordi heard Data's breath catch and pulled away just enough to discover a tear streaking Data's face. Geordi kissed the tear away.

Their foreheads touching, they embraced for a moment catching their breath, soaking it all in. 

"I... wanted you so much."

"Geordi, I had no idea."

"How could you? I didn't want you to know."

"But why?"

"Data," he breathed. 

"Yes?"

"No more questions."

 

Down the trail 25 meters and to the right, the landscape leveled off, and soon they had left the last of the tall trees behind. Their elevation now was below the ancient waterline, from a time when this lake was twice as deep as it was today. Here only small shrubs, wildflowers, and mosses could get a foothold above a crust of ancient bedrock. The boulders here became smooth, weathered. Geordi felt somewhat like he was moving underwater. 

Data led Geordi by the hand in the direction of the hot springs. He could detect changes in the airborne mineral content, and a haze of moist air indicated the presence of some steam rising somewhere ahead of them. At one time the groundwater heated by geologic vents rushed into the lake and mingled immediately with the water there. Today many of these same springs bubbled up at ground level, feeding basins in the smooth rock before running off in rivulets, rushing in small streams, cascading into the deep blue water below. 

The rocks here were warmer than the wind, hardly even cool to the touch. The slick rock below their feet was increasingly laced with rivulets of warm water. As they navigated massive round boulders, like Titans' bowling balls waiting on the mostly level surface, some of the streams widened into pools, some hot enough to steam. Soon they could see more and more pools, some very wide and shallow, some deeper than a bathtub. Some were nearly still, and others visibly rushed from the warm flows. 

Geordi was absorbed by all of this. This place was like nothing he had ever seen. He let Data lead him by the hand, trusting, childlike. It was a strange feeling, relinquishing control so easily. He wondered if he had ever trusted someone so completely. And he realized that the answer was yes, there was a time that he had--as a young child learning about the world without a concept of sight. It wasn't until the fire, not until he received the VISOR, that he learned to chart his own course. To trust himself. To question, to doubt. 

Data turned right following the curve of one of the boulders, then, changing his mind, took them around the next bend until he seemed to find what he sought: the waning sunlight still touched this spot, where the boulders fell away revealing the blue expanse of the lake below. Geordi whistled in amazement, causing Data to look back over his shoulder at him. Geordi was staring with a wide-eyed smile. 

"This is--it's incredible!"

Data only smiled, silently filing away two or three more questions he wanted to ask. 

Later. 

There was a wide, shallow pool here on the rock ahead of them, boulders sheltering the space from the southeast wind. Data found that this one was just below 39 degrees Celcius, not too hot for a short soak but a bit hot to stay long. Around the corner, there was a pool deep as a bathtub running between 36 and 37 degrees. 

Data disappeared from view, so Geordi scoped out a level plane, dry and smooth enough for their camp for the night. He set out the field modulators, bedding, supplies. He had no appetite, at least not for food. Where had Data gone off to? 

It would be a warm night, and right now he was feeling hot on these rocks with all the moisture in the air. He untied his laces, slipped off boots and socks, and rubbed his feet--they were tired but not really sore, a pleasant surprise. Geordi walked to the edge of the hot, shallow pool, then waded in past his ankles, rinsing his hands in the water. He stood there gazing at the lake, estimating roughly thirty minutes until sunset. Can this place be real? 

Can this day be real?

The answer presented itself in the form of a soft hand caressing his neck, an arm encircling his waist. He shuddered, and turned a few degrees into the embrace as Data's lips met his. The kiss was soft at first, then demanding. Geordi kissed his collarbone, nibbled his neck. Data moaned. It was such a sweet sound. Geordi yearned to hear it again and again. 

Their hands were everywhere at once, exploring skin, muscle. Tugging Data's shirt off, Geordi nearly dropped the garment in the pool without thinking, both of them smiling as Data caught it in the air and then pulled Geordi's sweater and tank off with the same hand. Through all of this, their lips hardly parted for a moment at a time. Data tossed the fistful of clothes toward their gear. Wading into lower ground, soaking his trousers to the knees, he worked his mouth across the muscles between Geordi's shoulder and his neck, down to his collarbone, as Geordi's head tipped slightly back, hips arched. 

One moment Geordi's eyes focused on the shimmering red sun as kisses rippled over his chest; then Data was lowering him to a seat on the warm rock at the edge of the pool, then onto his back. Their feet dangled in the hot water as Data moved on top. Geordi unfastened Data's trousers and helped him get free of the wet legs. His golden skin reflected the red of the setting sun. Their eyes locked, joy and wonder on both of their faces, before the torrent of kisses started again. Geordi's shorts landed in one of the spring streams, but no one cared anymore. 

Geordi rolled Data to his back, moving over his body with his hands, his lips, his tongue. The android quivered with pleasure, his eyes half open watching Geordi lazily. Geordi tried his teeth, nibbling around Data's abs and ribs, and was rewarded with his lover's breathy moan. Working his way down, taking his time, finding a rhythm, applying just enough pressure--it was nearly too much. It took all of Data's willpower to regain control. "Please... Geordi, let... allow me--"

Locked in another kiss, Data rolled back on top, shifting them both higher on the rock out of the water's edge. Geordi welcomed the breeze on the soles of his feet after soaking a while, feeling white hot already from the passion they shared.

Data wished to know what his lover wanted--there were many possible techniques from here--but knew better than to break the spell and ask. He tried to guess whether Geordi would enjoy feeling his lover move inside him. He would taste the spot, show him how he wanted it, ask if Geordi desired that. They would figure it out together. 

 

\--

 

Data moved, sank into the pool onto his knees, soaking a moment. Geordi watched him lie back in the hot water as Data's eyes beckoned. Join me. 

Geordi found that the water was extremely hot as it moved past his ankles, up the tender flesh of his thighs, his abdomen. He sighed as the heat cradled him. Sinking in beside him, resting his ear on Data's shoulder just above the waterline, he caressed his lover's wet chest lazily with just his fingertips. Data's arm encircled his shoulders, fingers tracing idle circles there. Geordi breathed deeply; he watched the last light of the sunset, the infrared flares that only he could see, and willed time to stop right there. 

Data kissed his lover's forehead and gazed down the length of his human body. Glad as ever to have tremendously powerful vision, he refiltered the polarity of the scant dusk light to better see past the water's surface. He studied the hollows near Geordi's hipbone, the curve of muscle in his thighs, his calves. The texture of his body was visibly relaxed, tension released. 

In fact, Geordi looked younger. 

It was rare for something of this sort to escape Data's conscious attention for so long. Over the last several days, as Data reviewed his perceptions, Geordi had all-in-all been more youthful in his energy, the open expressions on his face, the way he moved, his reaction speed. This trip was doing the human some measurable good. Data cataloged the probable causes of these effects: Time spent outside, using his all of muscles. Time away from duty, airing out other parts of his personality, other needs, desires. Practicing trust. Taking time to heal. 

Data took great pleasure in giving Geordi these things. He wanted to give him everything, had wanted nothing but that, and for the first time he believed it possible that he really could. His heart swelled with a feeling of pride. 

"This is perfect, Data."

Data smiled, and surprisingly, kept his thoughts to himself. Geordi would allow it as long as he looked so content. 

"I can't believe how perfect," Geordi said. "I... it's just... I think it's important for you to know that I loved you when it wasn't so perfect. 

 

\--

 

A day or so later.

 

"What is wrong, Geordi?"

"I have no idea what happens now."

"Anything that you want."

"Until..." 

Data was puzzled. "I have forever, Geordi. I would be yours as long as you would have me."

"Please don't tell me what I want to hear." There was frustration in La Forge's tone. 

"I would never..." Data trailed off. "What is going on?"

"And when Rhea comes back?" La Forge asked flatly. 

Data felt pique tangle with a wave of hurt. 

"You doubt me that much?" His voice was more sharp that he ever intended it to be. He regretted it instantly. 

Exasperated, La Forge turned his back and threw his hands in the air. "I just don't know if you've thought about it. I'm not sure either of us are thinking this through," La Forge's voice was uneven as he looked out over the lake towards the late afternoon sun. "It's just that... I don't think I'd ever recover from losing you. I'm terrified."

There.

There it is. 

One thing was clear: La Forge had protected himself from grief by abstaining from joy. Of course, Data felt sure, it did not work out that way. The volume of his pain had been in no way lessened by denying his feelings, by holding on to fear. This truly was a side of Geordi he had never known. He had probably never let anyone in this far. 

There was another lesson in this: that Geordi would fight him off if he let him. Isn't that what he said had happened back at the Academy, that he 'picked fights' until he found a way out? Data was not about to play into that hand. 

Data walked over to where La Forge stood and gripped his shoulder with one hand, willing him to turn around. La Forge breathed deeply as he turned to look Data in the eyes. 

"If you will only give me a chance, I will prove to you that I am worthy of your trust. Nothing in my life has been as constant as my loyalty to you. There is no exception," he brushed Geordi's cheek with three fingers. "None."


End file.
